Inchan Hwang
Mr.Garrioch
Junior English Composition Class
25 November 2012
I personally believe that policy that prohibits kids from playing
games after midnight is absurd. However, there are positive effects as well.
This policy encourages kids to sleep. It is vital for kids to have a
sufficient sleep because sleeping is crucial for kids’ growth. If one does not
take enough sleep, he or she is likely to become aggressive and to have hard
time concentrating in classes. This must be harmful to the kid’s.
This policy protects kids from being “spoiled”.
Online game community usually becomes very impolite after midnight since the
players will almost be comprised of adults. In that environment and kid’s
tendency to mimic others, kids are prone to inappropriate words, actions, ideologies,
etc. Eventually, adult culture gradually seeps down to kid’s culture. This
hypothesis is valid at least in Korea. Kids spit out inappropriate words
without any sense of guilt. Where else could they have learned these
inappropriate words?
Some grammatical stuff that should not be overlooked in such a short and controlled assignment. Cutting and pasting into Word reveals some green lines very evidently - "kid's" for example.
ReplyDeleteConcision is also something to improve:
"Eventually, adult culture gradually" - Do we need gradually? It is implied by eventually. That's an extra 9 characters. Accordingly, "kids" and "sleep" mentioned a lot in some short sentences that could be combined to be more dynamic and clear.
In terms of structure, your real opinion is not established enough, and the prompt only requires you to make one rational argument. As a mini-essay, I would encourage you to write more about your real opinion, and also include a brief closer that underlines it. This was outlined in class.
The reasons you support against your true opinion, however, are very strong and good. But divide things 50/50.